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10:23pm 26/09/2005


here it is you mo fo.

Can you imagine if i always looked like that? I think i would change my name to Jesus.

This is Sam. I was drunk and didnt turn off the flash. Hahahaha.

Bus Stop Buddies. Anna, me, and Sam.

Friends? I think.

This is Shawn^          and                                       this is Diana^. yay!

This is Sam. Sam has a mini. See Sam speed. (cardboard)

This was Sam, Mike's bong, and a bottle of Corrona. See what happens in the dorms after a party?

This is Hanna and Mike. They bask in the elegance of natural beauty.

See Sam spin a plate. This was done all day long.

Didn't that make you happy like it did me? (note the facial expression)



(3 bites | eat the baby)

01:18am 03/08/2005
  As I sit alone watching this horrible conversational french television show on pbs i cant help but reflect on my day. i just finished hanging out with jonathan. this is very strange, i cant help it but i cannot let go of the past. i had considered him my bet friend back in high school and then for some reason i fell in love with him. as we all know this is one of the stupidest things i have ever done but i suppose i learned alot about what i feel for people and how that though you may have feelings for someone, it almost never ends up to be a requited love. this is why i suk. i am trying to think of him as a friend yet i cant help but wanting to ask if i could suck his dick. i am horrible. i cant be a good friend to anyone of my male friends i suppose. grrrr this does ot satisfy my wants and needs. what am i to do?

lately i have gotten high with him like twice, i think, for a while i didnt think he was really there but instead a helucination, i mean i had not seen him out side of school since february. so ofcourse i was/am skeptical about his reasons for wanting to hang out with me, i cant imagine why he would want to be frinds again with me especialy since no one really wants to do it anyways. i cant help but feel like he is just using me to get away frim his house or just to get high or drunk. i just dont know anything. but why do i still love him so much. grrrrr.

soooooooooo anywho. last night i went swimming with emily and whit and that was fun they are such awesome friends. And vida, wow, she did this really beautiful cherokee tribe symbol in henna on my chest. it looks really cool. jake fianlly finished shooting for that directory i was really happy for him, he stresses so much and i really worry about him some times, i need to spend more time with him.

i cant think of anything else right now but if there is anyone out there who i would most likely like to talk to (namely you) call me 239-5504


(eat the baby)

well well well...   
02:07pm 26/07/2005
  ladies and gentlemen ita has come to my attention that i will be departing for Ithaca, New York on August 18, 2005.
I must say that i am thoroughly delighted that i will be leaving this place, however, I do realize that with that i will be leaving all of my friends and family. this makes me feel alone sad and excited. Since i am laving it has made me want to be social (you know, kinda like going out with a BANG) but i really havent been that social this summer so i am lacking in company. If anyone would like so join me for dinner or something give me a call, IM me or comment and I'm sure we will do something.


(1 bite | eat the baby)

03:05am 26/07/2005

(1 bite | eat the baby)

01:57am 23/07/2005
   Look At My Poe Ass!!!!
Recently i have aquired my very own tattoo.

this is my photo essay.

Hope you enjoyed it.




(4 bites | eat the baby)

06:41pm 07/06/2005


i am really borred. here are pictures.

Emily, Chad, and my man-bag.

Emily and Whitney. Sexy Bitches.

Me and Uncle Pete. Obviously related.

Jackie and Chase. Chow-down.

Beautiful eyes... no?

Sam and Miranda. Gots-ta love facial expressions.

Me and Chad. Ok I'll brag... My hair is to  die for.

Steven, me, Emily, Whitney, and Chad. This could only have been done with the mentality of 8 year-olds, otherwise.... pool orgy.

I love Cory Hart.

the Southern Sky.

Sara, me, and Amber. Hail the consessionists.

The Mackenzie Monster.

View form the roof on my break.

mmmm. Grilled cheese at 3 am

Mom gave me a Journal.

alright. im done.

headache throbbing, ow



(1 bite | eat the baby)

12:42am 05/06/2005
  i am sitting in the dark

the solemn darkness . i am surrounded by only negative space and only lights of the contibuting mood are glowing . i feel as relaxed and serine as a leaf floating in a pool of water .

this leaf is symbolic . like me it has been taken away from where it has sprouted and bloomed . it has esaped from its familiar abode and now is lying motionless on the water . floating about the new surounding which helped the tree form the leaf giving it life and fullfillment . the leaf quietly dies among the living force , the irony is apparent . floating motionless it accepts its fate and lies still . never moving nor living simply floating . the existence of support has seised to continue . it is alone and silent .

im too relaxed right now to even care about any critisism of this entry. oh well everyone new i was crazy anyway.

(1 bite | eat the baby)

12:48am 01/06/2005

i have graduated. everything is changing, what fun.

Am i a slut? (its totally innocent, im just helping him out)

so i had mom over, we are good friends but i dont hink she is the mother that is what i am "supposed to have".

the party was fun i thank all that were there...

thanks : Emily, Vida, Jon, Morgan, Spencer, Derick, Whitney, Chad, Sam, Miranda, Steven, James, Chase, etc...

i have gotten used to taking dad's place when entertaining. i really like making drinks and trying to please everyone, i think i might be mentaly screwed.

i went to a party at chris's house, luckily i brought my swim suit. however i was sort of ashamed it was a speedo. i dont lke myself for some reason. perhaps i see too much into other peoples attitudes and i couldnt help but feel like a complete fool around sam. i dont know why though, maybe i look up to him??? -who knows- anyways i couldnt help but notice chris's endowment. im terrible, why must i objectify friends?! i suppose i like penis too much. crazy bitch.

this is the start of my summer. i wonder how it will end.



P.S. chad is leaving for germany soon, i am going to miss hi alot, i know we all are. chad, you are the awesomest kick-asstest scrumtuelesent man-friend i have ever had. i love and will miss you.

(1 bite | eat the baby)

12:51am 17/05/2005


so much has happened since the last entry.

so i will give you this.


senior skip day (french class)


a glorious evening with the talented jake divine.


the divine drive (low on gas)


damn, he's too cool for smiles


a sweltering afternoon for a dog walk with vida, this is Honey




it's Ana the Blown-up Blow up doll!


How serene my native lands are.. until you pave over them so that Wal-mart will take over the world. this has desroyed my people.


my successfull attempt at stalking Emily.


oh damn! who is that ugly ass whore and why is it not wearing clothes?

and now, the prom.


Srap, me, and Miranda. dad really like my teeth there, he is isane.


my dates, Eva, Jake, and Emily


the very spiffy, Chase and Jackie


the best boosum at prom, chase and me


the ever- wonderful, Patrick and Morgan, i love her dress


me and the superman tim tucker.


"who the hell do you think you are?"




Mr. Nifty, jake divine


i wonder  whats going on over there.


mmmm jones soda.... mmmm emily's cleavage


yes i made her corsage, and yes it does match her dress perfectly


How could you resist?


Todd ... my man love


co-workers yvette and amber, hot lady... or at least lukewarm


Prom Court 2005




shake your groove thing!


she's a maniac on the floor.




me and Mr. Cool Jordan Drum


Cassy Contreres and mr ramos


jake at denny's


Emily a denny's


me and Mr. Tucker at our last concert... tear


Jake and Emily at daybreak... nirvana




(4 bites | eat the baby)

07:45pm 09/05/2005
  well i suppose my sinuses are killing me. latelyi have been hanging out with chad and whitney and also jake and emily.

i have been confined to the pale world of the internet and the disapointments of email.

right now im incredibly hot, i dont know why. i suppose i shoud take my temperature.

i have not eaten anything of nutritional value in weeks.

i hate feeling like im avoided. i know im probably not avoided at all but yet it feels like i put myself out trying to simply be me. and yet some how i am always rejected. what does that say about me?

ahh i think i might have a fever, that or im anxious.

the headaches return...

(eat the baby)

1 alegra-D, 1 benedril, 2 asprin, 1 mucinex. the eyes continue to water.   
01:39am 05/05/2005

terrible terrible terrible

the car is taking more time than anticipated.

whitney and chad are entertaining.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com

JWF is good yet distant.

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i havent been working much.

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jake will be 80 mins away.

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the big twist is evident.

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jordan drum is a nifty guy.

Visit doitforfenton's Xanga Site!

vida is fun.

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ava and rene make me feel so welcome.

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i bought my swim suit.



Image hosted by Photobucket.com


(1 bite | eat the baby)

if it is avoided, it really shows me how problems are truthful.   
03:13pm 23/04/2005


hmm....  i really dont know where to start on this entry.

i cant really remember the begining but i know it must have started some how. i think i'll go backwards.

Tonight is the Troubbled Hubble concert (4-23-05) i thought i had requested tonight off, but i suppose my sloppy handwritting has gotten ahead of me. so i am working tonight from 6 to close. after work i suppose i could walk home but i definitly know im not going to the show. i am stuck at home right now and will be dropped off at work at 6. this morning i found out i would not be getting tonight off. last night i got home at 2:45 am, previous to that i went to morgan's for a lovely night of hooking with emily, before thatwe had gone for a swing at wagner park, emily won the swinging contest, before that Melody, Morgan, Emily, and i went to the Lubbock cemetary and drove around, before that we all had gone to the parking garage, that was nifty, before that we all had tea at my house and  dressed up like old ladies, but yet later i looked like a sinfully handsome 40's movie star vixen..... it was fun. before that i had a talk with emily after having vegatable lasagna which was pretty good. before that emily came over and i let loose some feelings which is good... better that being bottled up.. before that i had gotten into the shower and cried relentlesly blaming myself for the whole thing and totally disapointed i how i actually think i can be a strong, healthy, helpful, and intelligent. it was a disgrace. previous to that dad had said he was  "already late for a dinner" after telling me that i should have told him if anything was wrong rather than trying to fix it myself, never once concerned about my feelings towards the matter and not ever enquiring if i was ok. before that it was a mad rush to get everthing that needed to be hidden hidden and then trying to get everything out of my car. before that i called dad and told him what happened and he just seemed iratated. before that i put the fire out.............

and now, the beggining.

Morgan and i went to go pick up Spencer from his class, it was a really hot day and my car had over heated, we turned the heater on and rolled the windows down so we could breathe. Spencer finally got to the car and he sat in the back seat, he tried to roll down his window but it wasn't working, they suggestedthat it was probably a fuse and nothing more. so i got over it and went to drop them off. the next day, a thursday i think, i decided i needed to get an oil change, i went to bolton's oil change as i usualy do and got it changed. they told me i needed a new air filter badly but they didnt carry any tat fit my car. they told me to go to autozone and get a filter, brign to them and they would replace it so i went to autozone and got the air filter, while i was there, i remember that dad had told me to get some extra fuses incase i ould ever need them, so i did , i also thought ath it would help the back window. i went to my car and replaced certain fuses i thought looked in bad shape, after that i got me filter replaced and went on with my day. the next day, Friday, i woke up fourteen minutes past ten am. i was already late to school, i woke up quickly brushed my hair and ran out the door, i went to school then left, i hung out with emily and went to go look for a prom dress for her. i skipped my UIL Orchestra rehersal, but i dont think anyone noticed, after that i went and hung out with Adam Wright strangly enough, we had a horrible lunch followed by a few nostalgic events, after that i went to meet morgan so he could go look for a job at the mall, it seemed promising, later i went and hung out at his house then went on my way home....

On the way home i decided i had better go to an ATM so that i would have money for Troubled Hubble which i thought was that night by mistake. after that i went home and as i was driving my warning light came on signaling that my brake  light was out, i didnt think much of it, i figured i could replace it when i got home. so i got home and i thought i would chech the fuses, i loked at the column and noticed there was smoke coming from my brake pedal. THIS IS WHEN I WENT INTO A SLIGHT STATE OF SHOCK. i dodnt know what was wrong so i popped open the hood. i looked at the engine and nothing was smoking. i shut it and looked back into the car, i saw that the drivers seat was filled with smoke, i opened the door and got my phone and wallet out, while i was in the car i looked at the back of the car and i couldnt see anything but smoke, i couldnt breathe and i was extremely scared. i opened the wagon door and it was full of smoke, i didnt know where the smoke was coming from until i noticed it was coming from my spare tire compartment. i took the cover off and there it was, the spare tire and my brake light were in flames. the fire was getting bigger and the only thin i could do was try to smother it. the tire was not going to stop so i grabbed it and threw it out into the street. now the tail light was still falming but i saw that there were wires there so i didnt go get the water hose because my first thought was, "it's an electrical fire". a truck passed by as i was trying to put the fire out with my weekly world news - featuring the worlds fattest woman. i asked the guy if he had a fire extinguisher, he didnt, but my neigbors were asking me if everything was alright, the some came over and told me to get the water hose for the tire, so i went and got it, it dint reach completely so i spraid the water on the fire and it went out.i dont know how but they put the fire out from the brake light. since it was out another neigbor came out and was asking how i was doing and if i knew what happened. all of it was crazy, i suppose it was the fact i replaced the fuses... my bad.


i am car-less right now and sad. i feel resentment from my father, and everything that i have been concerned about recently just kind of made everything so much harder. im sure everything is going to be alright concering the car, yet as for everything else, i think im just diging my own grave.





(1 bite | eat the baby)

one for the dot   
06:42pm 12/04/2005
i hate when i become bastardly. i drive myself inane because i am always conserned about what others are thinking and if i am a bother or not. i hate that i cantbe a nice person. when i dont know or like someone i'm polite and nice, and when i really care about people i'm always an asshole, its stupid.

this weekend i went to a wine and cheese partyand had 2 merlots and 2 blushes needless to say i was tipsy and i hung out with sam chris miranda and strap, i thinki might have been flirting with chris and sam...damn i'm such a lush, oh well

ileagal things are fun.


(eat the baby)

06:30pm 05/04/2005
mood: content

this past weekend was great. on friday i hung out with morgan and then went to the IB art show with emily. the art was good, nick had some good photographs suprisingly. after that we went to see the chickcrits gallery and there was this one peice of art that really made me think, i love art that does that, i always feel used. after that emly and i went for a swing and then to cilantro's. that was good. after that we got coffee and went to a party. there was this guy there that i am head over heels for. he is the most gorgeous guy in the world. tall, thin, long handsome legs, hair that surpasses even mine, and he was wearing shorts tight enough to keep me staring... ohh i can dream. that night i had two beers and some of a crappy winecooler, i was a little buzzed but thats it. i took emily home and i was home at 3am.

saturday: went to work came home hung out with morgan ava and arron, we went exploring through condemned apts it was fun. after that we went to the roof of the parking garage. it was beautiful. we went spinning and that was fun, i decided i would play that song from Diva that makes me cry.... i decided that that song will b playing as my coffin is lowered into the earth. after that we went to the Weekley residence and played dress up then morgan and i went to go pick up emily, we went to this party at ricky wates house. i had 2 of these nice little tasty drinks and a shot of jose quervo...yummy after a while we went to ihop and ran into andrew, poor guy, he had hit another car, it was sad, but i had to laugh. is it sad that i find him attractive? anyways, ihop was really busy so we went to arby's wich still took forever. after that i took emily home then morgan too. after that i took ricky home too i went inside with him and we had a long convesation about high school and such, he is a nifty guy, but i think he may be having a hard time. i stayed there annoying hime asking "what are you thinking about?" from about 5am to 8:30am since that was when he fell asleep. i couldnt believe i stayed up all night, it was kind of cool, excet i had to work that day.

sunday: i cant really remember.

monday: went to school, went home, changed, went to antique stores with morgan then we went driving and just hung out.

today: went to school, wore shorts, had lunch with jake, we are definitly going to need to hang out in new york. i saw jonathan, i kind of feel bad that i dont make an effort anymore to try to talk to him or hang out, i just think that he doesn't care so i figure - why bother- . i came hime and watched this thing about bette midler and it made me think of joanna. i dont know why i do that, but i cant help but think that joanna would have been a great entertainer some day, i do think about her alot and i do miss her. i even cried a little. i miss her.

well, what do you think of me?



(eat the baby)

this is rediculous   
10:29pm 20/03/2005
  i want to cry, i hate having feelings.im such an idiot. whyam i so vunerable? why do i continualy do this. i hate it. right now i would describe my feelings as wanting to cry, i feel a strain in my neck likei want to scream. what should i do? i am an asshole and completely needy. my stupidity for wanting to love only teaches me the pain that goes with hate. grr.  

(eat the baby)

12:42am 16/03/2005

i got accepted to Wells College, I'm definitely going to NY for college, Jake got accepted to RIT really happy for him. new countertops for the kitchen are in progress. freakish snow is falling. bought love in vein II (kick ass). ms wickerxhams book is available at barnes and noble, i get exposure. i have to be att work in 11 hrs.

quills is nifty, I <3 HDTV


SCRew it

(1 bite | eat the baby)

06:07pm 01/03/2005
mood: thirsty

So far..

  • Graduating with honors
  • Finished Wells applicaton
  • Finished Ithaca application
  • Completed the yearbook
  • Made my strong friendships non-existent
  • Can't actually care about anyone
  • Bought an mp3 player for my car
  • Haven't had a clove in a week
  • Haven't had sex in two years
  • Haven't been drunk since god knows when
  • Thinking I am insane

oh dear, i fear that i will collapse.




(3 bites | eat the baby)

and i return to me   
12:05am 17/02/2005
mood: tired

my ass hurts. i dont know why, i have ahad to take alot of sports pictures recently, maybe thats it, it certainly is a pain in the ass. i have disconnected with everyone which in someways is good, i can getthings done that i have put off and also to question myself about choices in my life and figure out what kind of erson i really am. i dont know, maybe i do everything i do because im bitter, i cant help but not let go of things that bother me. i suppose its imature but i guess i should work on that, but then again whats so wrong about being foolish? cant it be helpful. maybe i am a fool. i can accept that but its just so....conventionaly unconventional, if that makes sense.





(eat the baby)

piles upon piles upon piles of shit   
09:28pm 17/10/2004
mood: refreshed
THURSDAY i went to school then afterwards jonathan and i practiced together, that was cool, jonathan had to go home he was back in an hour and we went to the indian ballet dance thingy wich apparently the story is older than any of homers epics, yeah, so we went, we saw hanna tanya and anita, after wards we all went to the koffee kup that was revealing, interesting conversations all round were had, or maybe it was just me. after that i went home

FRIDAY didnt have school, that was awesome, woke up and went to the first showing of Team America with jonathan, (kick ass movie) after that i went home and was going to meet jonathan to watche die mommie die. he came over at 4 but before that while i was waiting i watched chasing papi, thats really .... latino. after thtat we started watching die mommie die then we stopped cause i had to go to work and so i left he left and we were gone. i went to work and when when i got home, dads friends came over from austin and that was nifty, then i cahnged and i can remeber if i went out or not that night. i dont think i did.

SATURDAY i woke up and decided i would go hang out with melly, when i got to her house she said she was a hypocrite and then we went to get my oil changed, after that it was holland gardens then spirit then savers, i bought tights for ballet and hats and a mold of praying hands, its really funny, and some other shit i don't need.after that i dropped melly off then came home and got ready for work, i went to work and then when i got off i decided i dodnt want to be homeso i called melly to see what she was doing, i ended up goingto chris' house and that was nifty, he is a nice guy, i dunno, i think i flirted with him in my head a little bit.. im weird, after that i was s;eepy so i drove whitney home then myself and made it alive.

SUNDAY i woke up and took a nice shower, i had 4 cups of coffe then went to work, i was really polite to people, after that i went on a 2 and a half hour break, and i got coffee at j+b i was alone. then i went back to work and then came home and decided i needed to do my journal because i dont want to do my paper for english.


(2 bites | eat the baby)

sans souci   
09:04pm 05/10/2004
mood: contemplative
this evening i came home wiht the intentions of listening to Ingrid's Lament. instead i come home and find myself watching a movie the broken hearts club, i dunno, it was about the lives of this group of close friends who were all gay, i was intrigued with the way they would explain things about the life of being gay, i ended up crying, the thought of finding some one for myself who i could love without feeling guilty or even be loved by one who i enjoy with all my heart being loved, at the end of the movie everyone was alone and none had had a succeddful relationship, with the exception of a guy who actually studies realtionships and reconciles with a former love, this is not me, i seriously have no hope, i could say that i would probably find someone in college but i doubt that i will actually find anyone other than maybe a friend. i dont want to live my life for just haveing one night stands maybe once a year and thats it, it sucks, i hate it thats not love, or a relationship or even the makings of a friendship, in my opinion i think that i should cut myself off from feeling any emotion, though it feel so good to cry, i love crying it always happens after ive seen a brilliant moving piece of cinema or to hear that beautiful song form la wally right before shie jumps off the cliff, i think my soul, though it may sound sad, is in those peices, i am a being that is only really alive when i am brought to great emotions and those are seldomly felt.


(eat the baby)